Title: Denial
Author: Natalie Dae
Genre: BDSM/Erotic Romance
Publisher: Totally Bound Publishers
Released: 24 November 2015
Blurb for Denial:
Her heart had been broken. How could it ever be mended?
Sometimes life has a habit of breaking a person, but Lori’s discovered there’s a reason for it. Better things are around the corner. She didn’t realize that at first, but after things went sour, a light beckoned, an anchor in the form of a man named Jaska.
He ignites her soul, understands her needs more than she does. She embarks on a journey, one that has many twists and turns, and with Jaska guiding her, she doesn’t think it can go wrong. Except there are terms to their relationship, a contract they’re bound by, and no matter what, they’re not supposed to express how they feel about each other. It’s dangerous—falling in love isn’t allowed.
But Lori has fallen in love, and the year Jaska has given to teach her the ways of the lifestyle is both pain and pleasure—and not only from spankings. It’s pain—she loves him but can’t express it. It’s pleasure—she gets to spend time with him.
Denial is the name of the game for both of them. Deny their feelings and everything will work out fine. But Lori knows that somewhere down the line during this year she’ll have to open her mouth and tell him how she feels. The question is—when?
Buy Link: https://www.totallybound.com/book/denial
Excerpt
I didn’t know where it had come from, this need for restraints, for punishment, denial, and for being told what to do. It was a silent partner inside me, creeping out from its hiding place six years into my relationship with Ricky. I had no idea how to broach the subject. He had a controlling streak but nothing that led me to believe he’d want to tie me up, flog me or issue commands of a sexual nature.
We were strictly vanilla.
I kept my feelings and fantasies to myself. There was no point in upsetting the balance. Me expressing my needs wasn’t something I’d ever done. And did I even truly need what I was thinking about? God, I just didn’t know. We had the kind of union where discovering new practices in the bedroom came out of the blue, usually by accident, never by design.
Frustration set in. I was stifled by not being able to tell Ricky what I wanted, to the point where I asked myself the question no one wanted to ask—are we right for each other if I can’t tell him what I need?
I squashed that thought. Didn’t want to find out the answer, yet deep down I suspected I knew it already. So I continued as normal, having sex that didn’t quite hit the spot and always left me wanting more. I was empty somehow, with a gaping hollow inside me that wasn’t filled as full as my cunt had been.
Then my needs spilled over, out of my control.
I dreamed of scenarios, ones that gave me orgasms so vivid they woke me up. My cunt pulsed even with my eyes open. My nipples were harder than they’d been in any act of lovemaking. Sweat covered my body. My heart raced. I glanced over at Ricky, hoping he was asleep, that he didn’t know what had just happened. I was horrified at the thought of admitting it, of him thinking he wasn’t enough.
Ricky slept on.
I marveled at how not only men could have wet dreams. Who knew women could have that pleasure too? A part of me was ashamed that I’d come in my sleep. I blushed, struggling with feelings of guilt. Told myself I must be a filthy bitch, obsessed with sex and all that went with it.
It was as though I should have had some power over what my mind conjured during the nighttime hours. Of course, when I thought about it properly, I knew that wasn’t possible, that the short films in my mind came unbidden.
But did they? Weren’t my fantasies, ones I let myself indulge in just before I drifted off—when Ricky was busy on his smartphone, browsing online—the root cause of them? I’d provided the fodder, and my mind had eaten it all up, stashing it in the dark depths while the unseen filmmaker was busy editing it into something worth watching, experiencing. Then that filmmaker rolled out the red carpet for the premiere, me the only person invited to walk on it, into the cinema to see my desires on the big screen.
The men in those dreams… I’d read somewhere that you’ve seen every person in your dreams somewhere before. You apparently have to for your mind to bring them out. I wondered, while recalling those men—their bodies, their cocks, things I most certainly had not seen—where I must have noticed them in real life. I didn’t recognize any of them, so they must have been imprinted on my mind from swift glances, perhaps in the supermarket, or it might have been on TV.
At the time I probably hadn’t given them a second thought. I could have been miles away, thinking about what to cook for dinner, what was on my to-do list at work, preoccupied and not really taking anything in. Yet take them in I must have, it seemed. My mind had decided to notice them and as with the fantasies, it had stolen their images and filed them in the movie category of my brain.
And wasn’t that funny? Those men had no idea they starred in porn films, albeit ones that no one but me would see.
Guest Post - Natalie Dae
I think for everyone there comes a time in life when we realize that we want more. For some it’s more shoes, handbags, or vacations. For others it might be a car, a house, or enough food on the table each day. And for others still it is the need to be in control of their own lives.
Lori in Denial is the latter. She wants things but has no idea why. After six years in a steady relationship, she begins to want more—and the more she wants stalks her until she has such an urge to go out and get it that she is somewhat overwhelmed. She asks herself many things in her attempt to understand this need, and questions whether those things are right for her—or, indeed, right for anyone at all.
With age comes wisdom, and the ability to look back on the past with an ancient eye. We spot where we made mistakes—the exact second—and how we made even more mistakes off the back of the original. We can see why those mistakes happened—the insecurity and naivety of youth—and vow never to make those errors again. Of course, if you don’t learn from them, you’ll repeat them all over again, but conversely, if you don’t listen to that inner voice telling you what you need, you could end up missing out on so much.
To err is to learn. To need is to be alive. To want is human.
Also with age comes a freedom that I call ‘Eff It’. What mattered once no longer matters. In the past, maybe the thought of Aunt Edna disliking one of your life choices could have had you in total meltdown. With ‘Eff It’, what Aunt Edna thinks is no longer in the equation. What you think is, and by adopting the ‘Eff It’ rule, you become much happier because you’re actually doing all those things you told yourself you couldn’t.
Life is richer. Smiles come more readily. And the heart—it beats so much steadier.
Embrace who you are and never apologise for it. Just ‘Eff It’ and reach for your goals! Whatever your inner voice says you need, go and get it. You’ll wonder why it took you so long.
About Natalie Dae
Natalie Dae is a multi-published author in three pen names writing in several genres. Natalie writes mainly BDSM erotica. She loves a Dom/sub relationship and is fascinated by how it all works. The trust issue is the best thing about it for her, so creating characters who have to adopt trust is one of her priorities. “Watching my characters bloom under tuition is such a treat,” she says. “I find it such a privilege to be able to write about something that makes me learn something new with every book.”
She lives with her husband and youngest daughter in England and spends her spare time reading—always reading!—and her phone, complete with Kindle app, is never far away. “I can't imagine not reading or writing,” she says. “It's a part of who I am. Without it I'd be more than a bit lost.”
Natalie has many more BDSM tales swimming around in her head, so her workload for the future is very full. “What better way to spend a weekend than writing?” she says. “Saturdays are my main writing days, so I get up, open up a work in progress and rarely leave the desk. Unless I really have to!”
She writes at weekends and is a cover artist/head of art in her day job. In another life she was an editor. Her other pen names are Geraldine O’Hara and Sarah Masters. Natalie also co-authors as Sarah Masters with Jaime Samms, and she co-authors with Lily Harlem under the name Harlem Dae.
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